Washed Out, Knocked Out, Burnt Out

To what extent do we define ourselves by what we do? And by we, I mean activists. For those of us fighting for a revolution that will end systemic oppression and reorganize society and its power structures - for those of us who identify as feminists - to what extent is our feminist identity entangled in our activist identity?

For me, they have always been intertwined. But that's just me. What about the people who do not identify as feminists but posses the ideologies? What about the people who identify as activists but not as feminists or those who identify as feminists but remain idle? And of course the deadly: what about the feminist activist who gets burnt out?

I have a hard time admitting the burn out. I have a hard time accepting this state of being because of the connotations - because of the ramifications. To say that I am burnt out is to suggest that I have been knocked out, which proposes a powerlessness that I refuse to adopt. It assumes I have been beaten by opposition to the point of losing a battle that truly has the world at stake. And being beaten is just not an option.

But to be burnt out is a very real part of being an activist and/or feminist and if we can't recognize and embrace it for what it is (a complex exhaustion), then we will only end up hurting ourselves and our causes. Being burnt out is not a knock out; a knock out is loss, defeat, powerlessness. And it's not a wash out; it's not a decision to give up because of the challenge and seeming impossibility of change. Burn out is somewhere in-between. Burn out is that exhaustion felt due to the opposition from outside the community, the factions within the community, the demands of the work and the physical, emotional, and mental toll it will take. And although there is an immense feeling of defeat and in that, guilt and perhaps even shame, there is only a reluctant tiredness resulting from giving our alls. Burn out is inevitable.

To admit burn out is to accept that without taking a step back to breathe and relax, all energies put forth into the effort will be more harmful than beneficial to the cause, the individuals within it, and to the relationships we have formed outside of it. And for ourselves: it feels harmful to claim burn out because we feel it is accepting defeat; it is declaring failure and stripping us of the identities that we have potentially built a life around. When we take a break from the work we are doing, do we lose our identities as activists? Yes, the mindset is there, but a mindset is not action. Because taking a break implies a before and after action, being burnt out does not erase the activist identity; activists simply become activists on sabbatical, just as do professors when they take a break from teaching.

Contrary to what we experience and feel, being burnt out is not in opposition to the feminist and activist identities. It is, quite the opposite, a necessary element of the identities. To ignore burn out's existence and forge ahead is to negotiate a core aspect of the activist identity. That is abandoning the identity - not accepting the need for a break. The philosophy of feminism is always with me and the ideologies of my activism, though they change, will never disappear. Going on sabbatical can prove beneficial, giving me a chance to reorganize my ideologies and priorities; i can relax before jumping back in to take on the world at full force. Now that's a revolution. ;)